Waterbabies

Who’m I kidding? Swimming really shouldn’t feature in any blog incompetent mothers. Getting a wriggling baby dressed and changed is difficult enough in your own home - on a wet, slippery, verruca-seasoned floor while sharing a single changing mat with three other frantic mothers, it’s enough to give you another mental breakdown (I assume as an incompetent mother you’ve already had a least one…)

But for some reason I can’t recall, I was determined to take Cosmo swimming – so from four months old, that’s what I did. I’d heard good things about Waterbabies. They cost more than some but I took that to mean Cosmo was less likely to drown. No truly. That’s how my mind works.

I can’t pretend the preparation was easy. Battling tears, squeezing into ill-fitting swimsuits and trying not to have any ‘accidents’ in the water has become a regularly feature our Wednesday afternoons – and that was just me. For Cosmo it was even worse. Twice I’ve got into such a panic that I’ve taken scissors to edit his wet clothes rather than attempt to change him. His howls, before and after swimming can be heard on the west side of the Tamar when the wind is in the right direction…

Cosmo, from birth hated – and I mean HATED – water. When I took him to Cornwall for Christmas, my parents almost called Social Services after hearing Cosmo’s screams when we tried to bathe him. But curiously, from the very first lesson, Cosmo loved swimming. And loved the instructor.

So although I can’t pretend an incompetent mother will find swimming easy, I’d still say to give it a go. The only thing you might lose is your hearing… and a sock… and a swimming nappy… and a dummy… and your back-up dummy…and your sanity... etc, etc.

Tate Modern, Southbank

Sorry for the lack of posts just recently - it's mainly due to laziness but also partly due my wonderful identical twin have wonderful identical twins!! Hurray! The new family of four live close to Tower Bridge, and while I know the Southbank pretty well, I'm putting on my 'incompetent mother' hat and having a nose into what's available for incompetent mothers round their neck of the woods. First up: Tate Modern. 

I'd heard good things about Tate Modern, but I'll confess my first couple of trips as a mother were a little disappointing. As it's always so crowded, it's pretty difficult to find a quiet spot to feed a baby - and after asking numerous members of staff for the best place I was none the wiser. What a change from places like the V&A and the Natural History Museum.... However, I did find a lovely huge room on the ground floor where I was able to feed Cosmo in peace. (This was late in the day - I have a feeling it was heaving with hundreds of school children earlier in the day...)

The second disappointment was the changing facilities. Firstly, there's a single changing room on the ground floor with a single changing wall mount. On two separate visits I found it locked... and was told I had to ask for the key at the cloakroom. On my second visit, the room was open but there was a queue of exasperated mothers waiting to change their exasperated babies. (There is also a nursing chair inside, but who would feed their baby there when there's so few changing facilities?) My spies informed me there were changing facilities in the men's toilets, but none in the women's or disabled.

Ho hum. On a positive note, we did see some great art and Cosmo enjoyed this visit more than any other place he's been to. Maybe it was the big white walls or crowds of people, or maybe it was just his good mood - but he didn't stop smiling. Despite the lack of facilities, we'll definitely be returning, but not sure what we'll do when Cosmo and his little cousins all want changing at once...

Harrods, Knightsbridge

Cosmo upset that I'm taking photos rather than feeding him

According to Harrods website, the store doesn't admit customers "wearing athletic singlets; cycling shorts; flip flops or thong sandals; with a bare midriff or bare feet; or wearing dirty or unkempt clothing". While I'm not up for a bare midriff yet (who'm I kidding? I've never been up for a bare midriff...) I'm pretty sure my vomit-stained yoga pants and hair-so-unwashed-its-matting falls into both the "dirty" and "unkempt" category, (to say nothing of Cosmo's poo-stained attire - my friend calls them 'poonami's when it reaches the neckline...)

Security, however, turned a benevolent blind eye to the dress code and instead of booting us out helpfully opened the door and pointed us the direction of the very well-hidden feeding and changing rooms on the fourth floor.  Complete with Ollie Ella nursing chair (yours for a bargain £1000) and Red Castle changing mats (a snitch at £45), these rooms really are the plushest in London, and a delightful escape from the madding crowds of Knightsbridge.  Just go into one of the two individual rooms (roomy enough for your buggy), shut the door and sink into the plushest nursing chair you'll find. For someone who hates shopping, it's very tempting just to snuggle up and fall asleep.

Infinity mirrors

Big toilet, little toilet!

The staff, as you might expect, are delightfully welcoming of children and made a huge fuss over Cosmo (who wouldn't?) and the temporary Disney Cafe situated in the children's department offers a step-free, buggy-friendly place to grab a cup of tea and a Mickey-Mouse-shaped sandwich.

Science Museum, South Kensington

Science was never my strongest subject but a visit to the Science Museum has left me inspired.  Any museum which has the tenacity to exhibit a mummified cat, ancient condoms, a rocket launcher and a 1950s tractor under the banner of "Science" deserves a visit...

Somewhat less inspiring however, is the "Family Room" situated in the basement. A thumbs up for providing a nappy vending machine, but a thumbs down for the old-school stylee decor including blocked toilet and plastic chairs. If you want a quiet, relaxed spot for feeding you won't find it here. Best head to a remote spot of the museum (such as 'Agriculture') or even better, head to the nursing room at the Natural History Museum next door.

However, if you really want privacy, ask a member of staff. They have a room available for breastfeeding or indeed praying. (I frequently do both at the same time; especially when I have a blocked duct...) These 'private rooms' are an interesting concept. The V&A offers to open up a private room for feeding, likewise Kensington Palace. While it's a lovely gesture, how many mothers would think of asking...?

Cosmo trying not to cry at the sad facilities

A blue chair and a red chair.

Gymboree, Whiteleys

Surely that's a cynical look in Cosmo's eye?

My twin sister recently made an 'observation' that I project my own feelings onto Cosmo. So, her theory goes, when I say "Cosmo's tired" what I really mean is "I'm tired". Naturally I told her "Cosmo's sick of you talking nonsense and wants a cup of tea". However, I was forced to reconsider my sister's theory when I found myself telling my partner that Cosmo was skeptical of Gymboree.

Gymboree, for the uninitiated, is a nationwide organization that offers "Sensory Baby Play classes".  Using song, movement, infant signing, puppets, fibre optics, bubbles, musical instruments, their website promises "endless amusement for the babies – and adults too"!

Hmmmm... its not that I'm a killjoy (I really am) but anything that promises "endless amusement" is bound to either leave me shuddering with revulsion, crying with embarrassment, or dying of boredom. However they offer a free trial class. And just as I can't pass up free food (I've never refused a single slop of unidentifiable airline food), I can't pass up a free class. Thus it was I found myself in a Gymboree class in Whiteley's shopping centre trying desperately not to laugh. Someone should have warned me they sing so much. Like everything: "Lets put the toys awaaaaaay! Awaaaayyyy!!!" I'm not saying the girl had a bad voice... quite the opposite. But that made it even more funny.

A glance at Cosmo told me he was of a similar frame of mind. Incy wincy Spider? Meh. Round and Round the Garden? Yaaaawn. Like mother like son. He doesn't like this kinda forced jollity either, do you Cosmo? Cosmo..? Oh dear, I turned my gaze for one second and when I look back Cosmo was looking at - no, laughing hysterically at - a hideous puppet in the form of Gymboree's mascot, Gymbo the clown. What's going on? Surely he couldn't actually be enjoying this? And is that a look of wonder at the bubbles being blown around the room? Oh dear...

And as a hideously weak-willed mother, Cosmo's little chortles had me signing up for the whole course and forking out an extra fifteen quid or so for the hideous lump of garish fabric that is Gymbo, the Clown. Lets never speak of this again.

Selfridges

I once sneezed so loudly Cosmo vomited. (That's not a joke and not funny... okay, it is a little bit...) He sleeps with ear-splitting white noise, but a sudden noise somehow scares the bejeezers out of him. And I'm guessing as a baby, he's not unique - why then do so many baby change areas install ridiculously loud Xcelator-style hand-dryers? (See post on The Serpentine Bar and Kitchen...) At three million decibels, the dryers at Selfridges once again assisted in scaring the proverbial out of my darling bub.

Anyroad up. If you find yourself down the Marble Arch end of Oxford street and your baby needs a quick feed, you can do worse than heading to the third floor of Selfridges where you'll find nice comfy seats for feeding, a good baby change and toilets large enough to bring in your buggy. It's not totally private, but it's private enough for the self-conscious.

Once you're done, head done to the food hall and have yourself a Pinkberry frozen yogurt... remember to add the chocolate "goodness crunch" - nom, nom, nom...

V&A, South Kensington

Take the corridor opposite this lovely statue for the Education Centre and cafe

 

 

Oh my! I think I've found the most stylish changing rooms in London. Look at those tiles! And gold taps indeed! Cosmo's getting ideas above his station... forget about the exhibits, we're staying in the bogs...

While the V&A doesn't have a dedicated nursing room, they do have individual toilets/changing rooms off the cafe (not signposted, ask for directions...) which have a chair - so I guess if you're really desperate for privacy (who really likes feeding so close to a toilet...?) you can ensconce yourself here.

Alternatively, you can use one of the lunch rooms (the smaller one is usually empty) in the Education Centre. They even told me they'd be happy to open up a seminar room if someone wanted complete privacy for feeding.


The cafe is another Benugo (boys done good) with a beautiful seating area. It has plenty of room for buggies but can get busy and noisy - and the chaotic food section isn't ideal either. However, the central courtyard is a mere hop and a skip away if your baby (and you) need to escape the madding crowds. (At least, in winter, no doubt it's packed in summer...)

     

Not the most flattering angle...

Private changing room / toilet off the cafe